I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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