I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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