I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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