if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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