I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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