Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
