why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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