The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
