it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
