I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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