mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
