$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Randomize
