Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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