can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
