He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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