Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
