is your mom at the bar?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Oh god it's open bar.
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