i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
