when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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