I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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