you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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