Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
