you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
