I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
