yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
