I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
