I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
