I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
it's like heaven, but drunker
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
