Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
