fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
