just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
