there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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