im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
