He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
