It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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