youre lurking in front of me
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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