I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
