How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
