So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think I won the penis lottery.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
