I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
