i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
