Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
