Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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