I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
