i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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