Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
