I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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