I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
