I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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