How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
