I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I think I am morally bankrupt
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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