My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
