Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
